=>

I’m not sure I understand.

i didn’t expect you to!!! i don’t understand it either.

But you said it wasn’t the only thing found at the scene of the crime?

oh yeah there was also this…

She reaches into her large purse and pulls out a suspicious looking smaller plastic bag. Whatever is inside of it is lumpy and yellow, but you can’t tell what it is exactly.

Suddenly, there is commotion behind the bar. John has disappeared.

=>

=>

hey rose, i’m heading out. want me to clock you in?

That would be greatly appreciated, Johnathan.

it’s just john.

Sure.

John leaves again and you are given a chance to look at the note. It is a large list, written sloppily, in all caps:

STUBBORN
TOTALLY AWESOME
SUPER SMART
LONELY
CARING
MISERABLE
FUCK THIS IS STARTING TO SOUND LIKE A SINGLES ADVERTISEMENT IN A NEWSPAPER. JEGUS, SUFF, GET YOURSELF TOGETHER.

In the corner is a shorter list of phrases, most of which have been scratched out:

WHO DA MAN?
KOWABUNGA!

DYN-O-MITE!
SHOOSH
TO INFINITY, AND BEYOND!
THIS IS STUPID.

On the opposite side of the paper it says:

NEW OUTFIT
SHADES
SONIC SCREWDRIVER
CATCHPHRASE
COMPANION

This sounds like a terribly campy, long-running, science fiction, British television show. Not that such a thing exists. You read it over a second and third time, making sure you didn’t miss anything important and hand it back to Jade.

=>

=>

Wow, ok. What else do I need to know, fairy god mother? The clock’s about to strike midnight and I’ll soon be turning back into a poor bartender.

but it’s only 7:45….

Just go with it.

ok well at the crime scene they found two things.

She hands you a piece of folded up paper. Before you can open it to see what it says, John is back.

=>

> BE SLIGHTLY DISAPPOINTED

You are slightly disappointed that it wasn’t magic. But aliens are cool too, you guess.

So what happened exactly? I’m a little fuzzy on the details.

there are four major sleuths in the area: problem sleuth, ace detective, and pickle inspector.

And the fourth?

me, of course!!

Of course.

well PS, AD, and PI were all found dead at the high school. technically, i’m not allowed to release this information, so you didn’t hear it from me!

Scout’s honor. So what about you? Are you in danger?

i’m afraid so, but i’m not the only one!!!

Who?

your coworker!!

John?

yes…

=>

=>

John returns with Jade’s drink and she takes a delicate sip.

thank you!! it’s delicious!!!

really?

yes! of course!

i’m john!

jade…

There is an awkward pause, John isn’t taking the hint.

Beat it, Egbert.

oh right, sorry! i’ll let you guys get back to your mysterious lady business, haha. wink!

John leaves, talking to Jack for a moment in his office. The bar is empty except for the four of you. Harley watches Jack and John closely for a moment before turning back to you.

ok so what i know so far is that it isn’t magic, ectobiological, or supernatural.

Wait, what are we classifying as supernatural?

ghosts, demons, the like.

So that leaves…

Aliens?

Jade smiles.

aliens.

> BE SLIGHTLY DISAPPOINTED

> BE JADE HARLEY

You cannot be JADE HARLEY because she prefers to keep her identity a mystery. However, at that moment she walks into the bar and spots you right away. She rushes over, unable to contain her excitement, and sits down across from you.

what’ll it be?

um an apple martini, please!!!

Disgusting.

John leaves you two alone for a moment, but he’ll be back soon.

So, down to business.

ah ah ah!!! not so fast :) he’ll be back any second just wait.

Oh, right.

so you don’t like apple martinis?? why????

No, I do not. I don’t know why but they’ve always struck me as classless.

…No offense.

none taken! :)

=>

dicktective:

A homestuck alternate universe crossover, in which Karkat goes by the name The Sufferer, is half-time lord, and travels around the universe with companions. Together they get caught up in crazy hijinks. With bits of references to both fandoms sprinkled in.
> START NEW ADVENTURE

dicktective:

A homestuck alternate universe crossover, in which Karkat goes by the name The Sufferer, is half-time lord, and travels around the universe with companions. Together they get caught up in crazy hijinks. With bits of references to both fandoms sprinkled in.

> START NEW ADVENTURE

> WAIT FOR JADE

Egbert brings you your usual: scotch on the rocks. You don’t like any of those fruity drinks— something about them reminds you of your childhood. And, of course, Egbert begins to open his mouth, which is probably going to be a minor annoyance but it is something you have learned to put up with on a daily basis.

hey rose! you’re early!

Yes, well, I have important business to attend to. I’m meeting a journalist, but I don’t know if she’s arrived yet. I assumed our arrangement was clear.

ooh a journalist? you don’t mean “private detective” do you?

Of course not, Johnathan.

That would be suspicious.

haha yeah totally.

There is a long pause as you take your drink and finish it off in one gulp.

do you want me to bring you another one?

No, I should refrain from drinking on the job.

yeah good idea.

> BE JADE HARLEY

> BE ROSE LALONDE

You are ROSE LALONDE and you are HALF AN HOUR EARLY for your shift at Jack’s Bar. Your interests include WIZARD YAOI, of course, and READING LARGE TEXTS. You also enjoy KNITTING COZIES for everything, ipods, teapots, knitting needles, and you even have cozies for your cozies. You go to the college that is a town over and work nights at the bar, making pretty decent tips.

Your current extracurricular activity is what brings you to Jack’s Bar tonight. You are not here to take over for Egbert just yet. No, you are are here to meet JADE HARLEY. You two have business to talk about, nothing of significant importance, obviously. But it seems that Harley has yet to arrive, so you take a seat in a booth in the far corner of the room.

> WAIT FOR JADE

> JOHN: HANG UP

You hang up the phone angrily, slamming it down with a force equal to that of an elephant sitting down on the fifth story of a tall building. The room is naturally quiet, aside from the AM radio DJ spitting some mad opinions about a recent traumatic event, during which, three “journalists” were found dead at the local high school. By journalists he means private detectives.

Just then, as Jack changes the radio to a boring smooth jazz station that you didn’t know existed, your coworker arrives for her shift.

> BE ROSE LALONDE

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